beautiful disaster.

Es tu sonido un canto a flor de piel,

Son tus acordes un grito de pasión.

god blessed the broken roads.

I am so happy that sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. Then, every once in a while, I feel like this is the best thing happened to me and that good things happen to people who wait for them, right? I am so happy that it makes me want to vomit, laugh and cry at the same time. I am so happy. 

The only problem with this state of mind is that now that my happiness in, let's say, over-reachable levels, every tiny bad detail really feels bad. And when it's not that tiny, when it's something as huge as the distance between the people you love and you, or the fact that the person you like loves someone else more, you are so close to give up, and yet you do everything to keep the happy bubble, and the bubble remains stronger than ever, and you don't know what you feel because what you feel cannot be real. What you feel is something indescribable. Something extraordinary. Exactly such as the things that cause you to feel like that, friendship and love. 

never mind.

1. name, age, birthday, hobbies, favorite music:  Iina, 19, 19/03, hanging out, christmas carols
2. the meaning behind your blog url: the most beautiful word in italian and the word "beautiful" in front of it.
3. how have you changed in the past 2 years: a lot more confidence, I only keep the people I want close to me, don't accept everything just because everyone else thinks so (and can disagree), to say NO, to say SURE, accept myself as I am.
4. what you wear to bed: a purple tee and snoopy 3/4 pants.
5. something that pisses you off: arrogant people.
6. talk about the first time you met your friends: I am too lazy to do this, for example school events and trip to Spain!
7. five things that irritate you about the same sex? opposite sex?: About women: 1) the beauty concept 2) the way they treat other women that they don't know 3) the fact that they worry about themselves too much 4) the fact that they are so bloody damn beautiful 5) when they wear mini skirts and look like hookers. About men: 1) all they think about is sex 2) they cannot keep places clean 3) the fact that they are able to do more things than women in general, such as load more weight on their shoulders 4) the ability of not-to-show-feelings that they have 5) the machos.
8. screenshot your desktop: noooo.
9. your opinion on cheating on people: sucks and a big time. Basically the end of a relationship, I think.
10. your favorite song and why it’s your favorite song: Heijaste-Oikea because there is a huge memory lane associated with it that I can't get rid of, and because A-J's voice is heaven and the lyrics. Ah.
11. the best thing to happen to you this week: mm the birthday parties tomorrow = seeing people. I hope.
12. ten things about you that people wouldn’t expect: TEN? Holy macarony I don't know. Well okay. 1) I love dancing (shocker) 2) (I'm having problems with number two, already??!) I like to talk 3) My favorite movie genre is romantic comedy 4) I like Hannah Montana 5) I used to do a lot of performances in front of rather big audiences when I played piano 6) I swear in every other language except in Finnish. A lot. 7) I have participated in a fashion show, where I also made a coreography to our dance group's performance 8) I don't like flowers except them white lilies 9) I love to sit in the mall, alone, and watch all the people who pass me by 10) I used to play guitar in a band.
13. what kind of person attracts you: a sarcastic one, a bit crazy, artistically talented (eg. a musician, a good dancer, a dude who loves to paint), a good cooker, person who speaks many languages, person who sticks behind of his words, bloggers, person who wears converses, a long haired guy, a latin girl, a confident person.
14. five things you want to say to five people: no this is way too long, I don't have time for this. just generally, I love you.
15. something you hate: I don't hate. hating is for people who don't have anything to love. okay, I hate it when my cell phone's battery dies and I am stuck in the middle of Barcelona alone without money.
16. something you love: my friends.
17. the person you like and why you like them: my big brother, because he reminds me of my dad somehow.
18. your last kiss: a random Spanish guy at a club, his taste remained in my mouth for days, mmmm. Not.
19. your opinion on religion: I love Jesus.
20. your opinion on drugs: I hate how they drive some people into such a horrible condition.
21. your opinion on alcohol: some people get funnier as they take it, but for me it wouldn't be worth the money. or who knows.
22. the last fight or argument you had: with mama about, well, everything.
23. your family is like (siblings): two brothers and mom and a dog. except the dog.
24. the nicest thing you’ve ever done: I have never felt so good than when in Egypt, we were traveling somewhere in the middle of nowhere, in some tiny village, and this cutest little boy came to sell a piece of rock he'd made into some sort of a shape, and he wanted to sell it so badly that he only asked one dollar for it. So after everyone else ignored him totally, I had to go and buy it, I asked his name, whether he spoke English (he said he did, but I don't think he spoke too much, he was so young) and gave a few bucks for the stone. After that, he waved so gratefully at me to the bus window that my heart melted.
25. something you’re really excited for: tomorrow? I am not only excited but nervous as well.
26. three pictures of yourself: I don't think so.
27. something you’re worrying about: tomorrow and our christmas dinner and next year and the new school.
28. two good things that happened recently: 1) I made the move in some relationships 2) december came.
29. three things you want to change about yourself: 1) add even more confidence 2) my habit of being on facebook before going to sleep 3) stop the lazinesssss
30. how you’ve changed this month: I started to talk in Spanish, I realized a couple of things how I want my future to be, I realized who my true friends are and of whom I love the most.

every day and every hour and every instant.

La sensación de que lo más difícil ya ha quedado atrás.

"the tomorrow wound".

Why do the words hurt so much? 
Why do the words heal it all? 


I love the way he puts it, because this is tough and unbelievably annoying, and more than anything, nerve wrecking: 
You have chosen to engage – and in many cases reengage - with a dangerous process that changes you.
You don’t have to be a Serious Writer to be a serious writer.

You don’t need to be trying to change the world in order to change someone’s world. What you need is to be seriously committed to your work. 

sleeping sun.

Oh boy, something kept me awake last night far too late - and unfortunately that something was not NaNoWriMo as I hoped, although I wrote quite a bunch in the evening (considering I had zero idea of what to write). However, that something was SOMETHING I want to discuss with one Spanish friend, who I haven't seen in ages. I really really miss him a big time.


I have emotional problems! I, me, for God's sake, who tried her best to avoid such things as love and falling for someone and getting heart broken. Now the truth is that I feel super insecure without that one person. I am more myself when I'm with that person than without, which is just weird. I lack confidence, I lack everything I built the whole Summer and pre-Fall. This sucks so badly, just saying.


Please don't keep me awake no more nights.

so many stories.

Hi, my name is Iina and I'm a girl-a-holic. 

Hi Iina. 

Oh hi Mom.

it was clear.

Mom, it's not a date. It's a meeting. Yes he's a dude. It's a meeting between a girl and a boy. And some other people. It's not a date. It's not a date.


Shit, it's a date. 


Can I just say I don't do dating? 

and what there remains is a sleeping heart.

Attitude change <3

I am going to jump. Then fly. Then fly a bit more, and eventually reach for the sky because anyone who really truly loves you does not want you to fall. Except to fall in love.

I think I fell for Spanish people in general, and not solely for the serenade or the Aladdin song.

hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited.

I decided to go out tomorrow evening alone, and to think that it's not pathetic, IT IS BRAVE. It is a have-to. 
I want to change that tiny part of my personality and it will be held from tomorrow on.

to face the fear but not feel scared.

I wish nothing but the best for you. 




It inspires so much. 

The music. 
Their voices. 
The melody.
That one single word. Or not necessarily even a word. A note. 

that's like chasing rainbows and coming home empty.

I have always been into words. The more words you can use, the more sophisticated ( =cooler =sweeter =more likable person) you appear to me, the more complicated combinations of different letters you say out loud, that makes you so much more special. I bet everyone who knows me even barely, can recognize this feature from me - to some extent at least. I absolutely love puns, and I use them in everyday situations in life, yes, well, probably mom has noticed it although she doesn't understand a half of them. In addition, language lessons have been my favorites since I first started to read German in the third grade, and even before that, learning how to spell words and how to form letters during Finnish lessons was the paradise of school. 


Yet this whole talking exercise is rather difficult for me; I stand behind my words, but merely can write down the emotions and feelings. I have never regretted anything I have said more than one or two seconds, but have been so many times in regret for the things I never got to say because of this entire fear of being wrong, being unaccepted, being unwanted. How emo. No matter which language is in question, my mouth stammers theoretically as I try to express myself in words out loud. A bit like Noah reading poetry in The Notebook, with the difference that it is just mainly cute in his case. How can I cope if it's so hard for me to say thank you to people? What about the following:





Maybe I should just rely on writing, leave the words for someone else. Music is the back up out-loud language after all. 

That's all. I like the way that things flow. 

she wants to go home.

These random seven things I like about life: 

1. The definition of love: love /ləv/
Noun: An intense feeling of deep affection: "their love for their country".
Verb: Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone): "do you love me?"

2. Christmas carols. In Finnish, in English, in Swedish (big time), in Spanish, in German... basically in every language I have heard them.

3. Evangeline Lilly's wet hair look, oh well, wet hair look overall. The beach is strongly associated with the image mentioned.

4. Yummy chocolate-raspberry cake with a real chocolate frosting on top of it and whipped cream inside. I also very much like the fact that it is as good as a sin and hence we simply cannot complain about the extra calories it brings.

5. Sharing tiny details of your life with strangers. Whether it's an Omegle conversation that never leads to a follow up, or a one-minute chat with an unknown at the night club line.

6. The moment when you realize you actually received an important, funny, unexpected or expected email that made you smile.

7. That special second of your life that makes you understand that forever exists but life is more important. That life is here and life is now. That it cannot continue if you are not ready to move on. That to spend a pleasant forever demands a well spent life.

you make me happy whether you know it or not.

fall for the stars.

There are some clichés I really need to share with you, mainly because you deserve them: 
First, life is beautiful, even when it seems to fall apart and even when the tiny details are there to ruin your day. Life is extraordinary and everyday is different, see, sometimes there is sunshine and sometimes it simply rains. Occasionally we might even experience a snow storm. Beauty lies all around you; just feel it, taste its flavors, BE IT. 


Second, you are so special. You are flawless, a simple sentence and a complicated paragraph. Your presence is essential for everyone else, and especially to that certain someone. You remain in their hearts and you keep returning to their minds, and that surely means something. Why should only everyone else be amazing, when you're equally great? Think of yourself. Be the hero of your day and preferably of someone else's day as well. 


Third, change it. Change the things you think are wrong, make the difference. And choose the person you want to be there for you, to stand next to you each moment of your beautiful life and to introduce you to his/her friends "this is the one I talked you about". 


Oh, this is because I have told way too much about myself. 

we've been on the run driving in the sun.

30. Last argument you had. 


I can't recall the real argument I have had and when was it, except that it definitely was between me and my mom. However, today we argued a bit with mom again - playful arguing though - about which colors should be in the wall of the room we're currently re-painting. When talking about decoration or makeover for the house, our thoughts alter significantly. Today, mom demanded white walls, while I wanted a bit darker color, beige or something similar. We ended up with a compromise, took the white color but decided to paint one of the walls red; that was my choice. 


All good under the sun, like a friend of mine used to say. 

run with me through rows of speeding cars.

LAST DAY! Wiuh. 


29. Something you're not proud of. 


This is not going to be any "big deal", but I'm not proud of the fact that last saturday evening I ran a red light in the center of the city. I honestly didn't notice the traffic lights until it was too late, but do you think that explanation would be acceptable for the police men? Didn't think so either. There was this cap driver behind me, but he made a turn from the same crossroad. If it had followed me, I would've caused either an accident or at least a dangerous situation with my car since I braked a bit in panic, but continued the journey anyways since I realized it was too late to stop. 
This story was lame since nothing happened, but I always wanted to be the one who says "I've never run a red light". One addition to that "no alcohol, no smoking, no drugs, no illegal stuff"-list. I am a criminal now, suck it up hahah. 

there's beauty in the breakdown.

28. An embarrassing/socially awkward situation you've found yourself in. 


I've got two pretty common ones, but the empty shell period continues so I can't come up with anything new and exciting. 
He says: "Hi" 
You answer: "Fine, and you?" .... or those several ten million times you've heard something wrong.
--
You ask: "Excuse me, where can I find juices/cheeses/jeans etc?" .... and she doesn't work there. 

you're hunting my dreams, every breath that i take.

27. Name and shame - someone's status/someone in general on Facebook that makes you cringe. 


If I remember correctly what the word cringe means, I wouldn't really say I knew any, or that I could remember any of the statuses. Well, if we can consider that cringing in a positive way, I'd say that this friend whom I don't know that well, but she always writes how close God is to her and how courage leads us to greater actions and how positive thinking makes your life worth it and all that. It cringes me, because it's very awakening, and I would like to think alike but also because the so-called plus (positive) flow that she has inside of her is unbelievable. It's endless. It shines through what she writes on Facebook. I admire it so badly, but it creeps me out how she has all that. 


I totally messed up the idea of today's challenge. This was supposed to be in a bad way, most likely. 

would you be my solid ground.

26. 5 things within thouching (I suppose this means touching) distance right now.


1. Three memory cards. 
2. An ankle ornament.
3. A pillow. No, wait, two pillows. 
4. The Bible. 
5. The biography of Immi Hellen. 


Weh, this was easier. 

i had my head among the clouds.

25. Someone you'd like to be for a day and why. 


This is so tough. My mind is an empty shell tonight, has been the whole day in fact. Hah, this is going to be  one heck of an answer, but who cares: I would like to be David and Victoria Beckham's one kid for a day. Probably the second youngest, named Cruz (had to check), because he's of quite a good age (6 years old). And why? Well, because I'd want to see the world from child's point of view once more (!), and because once I could finally decide whose kid I'd be, of course the parents would have to be both extremely good looking and (krhm) with a good fortune. 


That just sounded so superficial I can't believe I said it. Well, Cruz has a nice name, too. 

i will love you until my dying day.

24. 5 turn-ons and 5 turn-offs. 


Turn-ons
1. Sarcastic, somewhat nerdy (read: Seth/Sandy Cohen) humor.
2. Good smelling skin. 
3. Husky voice. 
4. Spanish dialects / British accent.
5. Musicians and/or dancers.


Turn-offs
1. Dirty hair.
2. Too insecure/unconfident personality.
3. Arrogant people.
4. (I'm having troubles...) People with their "hobby obsession" eg computer gamers, 7-times-a-week hockey players etc.
5. Being too narrow-minded.

you can tell everybody this is your song.

23. 5 things you want to change. 


1. I want to study harder. Be efficient. Learn the things I was supposed to, and keep updating myself in all the areas I have already forgotten.
2. Weather in winter. Please could it be any tolerable. 
3. Equality in the whole world.
4. The value of money at least in Europe and partly related to this; remove the materialism. 
5. I want time to go a little bit slower and snapshot each cute moment of my life. 

i know a place we can go to.

22. Post a bit of your last IM conversation. 


How so extremely unbelievably interesting. 

• H

  • kaikki on kuitenkin saman tien kommentoimassa mun statusta
• Hace 15 minutos

  I

  • of course mitäs sitä muuta voisi olettaakaan!
  • 
• Hace 15 minutos

  H

  • eeeei kun sun piti tykätä omasta kommentistas!
  • no mä tykkään siitä sir
  • sit*
• Hace 15 minutos

  I

  • niin tiedän ! 
  • mutta en kehtaa
  • thank you madam

• Hace 14 minutos

  H

  • tykkää molemmista ::D
• Hace 14 minutos

  I

  • tykkää säkin :DD
  • voi it's not lame at all

the sweeping insensitivity of this still life.

21. Press ctrl and v and post.


I pressed cmd and v because it's a Mac. Apparently this is from yesterday.


" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3R0RHNHaU4 "

there there baby, it's just text book stuff.

High school nostalgia. I would like to quote my favorite physics teacher's favorite saying: "Been there, done that."


(this post had no point.)

she said you don't even care.

20. Your best sexual experience / your sex life or lack thereof. 





I'm seriously regretting I even started the challenge. It's way too personal, I wanted to stay anonymous, unknown, just one in a six billion. But since I began this, I'll finish it as well. 


I'd love to say the first time, but not really - not really really really. Not at all. Hmph.


There was this way better, let's call it, occasion, when we were having a sleepover with a good friend of mine. We watched this movie and I'm trying to remember the name but I can't (the name would be significant for the story, but sorry). It was so late and we were so tired, basically sleeping on the couch. In the movie, the only sex scene was this kind of "virginal orgasm", let's say. That sweet main character, a guy, fondled the girl's skin with a rose, yes a flower, all over her body and as far as I remember, whispered some cute things, letting the girl to relax completely, but in a very sexual way. It's real tough to explain that scene, you should see it if you haven't, but the point is that... well, we smart teenage girls decided to try the same, with tiny changes. I wouldn't say it was meant to be in a sexual way, because we had zero sexual tension, zero sexual chemistry, but in a way that we would just be present in the moment, enjoying that and especially feeling the touch. 


We didn't have roses so we substituted it with some other flower that my friend's mom had on her vase, and tickled each other in the pretty dark room, and it felt good. God, I can say, it felt goooood. In a far too sexual level. 


That's all. 
I already told too much, shame on me. I am so hesitant to make this public, no one knows except me and my mysterious ex-friend. Though it was better than sex has ever been to me. 

chelsea dagger.

19. Post a picture of yourself without make-up/hair done.


I should have read all the tasks before starting to do this horrible challenge. 

Well, those were the days when my hair didn't look exactly like lion's. Eh. [this picture was taken last February I suppose]

don't tell me what you've done.

18. To do list. 


- Wash the rest of the windows
- Pack
- Clean up a room
- Find the IB lyyra whatever it's called
- Bake the chocolate cake layers
- Get abs
- Buy new underwear
- Learn how to use that phone of mine
- Call my brother to ask him when he's coming home
- Get rid of old school books
- Check out the clearest route from Gdynia, Poland to Auschwitz, Poland
- Take the graduation pictures
- Pack some more
- Marry a rich gentleman
- Call a friend I haven't spoken for a long time
- Write a letter to another one
- Check out different sorts of courses in Spain


At least. 

now tourists come and stare at us.

17. Something you regret.


Hah, I'm giving something rather unnecessary for entertainment, if that even was the purpose for the existence of this blog. I regret a bit, quite a lot the fact that I waster 110 euros for the gym membership during the summer 2011 and I didn't use the gym a single time. I regret it because I loved those Zumba lessons or Les Mills concept work outs, and it would've been great to be in an excellent shape in the fall. Perhaps I regret it at the moment even more than I used to or more than I will, because all I want to do is go and run for two hours outside of this house and feel the air. Thank you health.

you are beautiful in every single way.

16. A drunken story. 


I would, but I can't share any. Tried to come up with something that a friend would've had said, but I cannot remember anything. I guess I was too drunk. I have my moments of naturally drunk. For those who do not know, no alcohol for me.